| Class of '08... |
[21 Jun 2008|10:49pm] |
On the note that I have graduated, I might add to this that I have no clue where my life is going. I didn't apply to any colleges, I just didn't want to set myself up for failure I suppose. But with that said, all my friends are leaving me. Almost every single one of them got accepted to some amazing college where they will pack their bags and move to this fall, and I'll be here, alone. My biggest fear is that my friends from high school (Lauren, Amy, Abby, Ect..) will move on and not look back, I've been dreading this for a while. I don't really know what to do, so I do what I know I do best, I ignore it. I'll start community college, I'll transfer to a state college, and from there on I don't know. I'm not even sure of my major, but what 18 year old is? I just wish things were simpler. I just wish life would be as easy as high school..
But, off course, I have my simply amazing boyfriend. A guy that I realized I spend literally about 23 hours of the day with and for that one hour without him, it is spent thinking about him. I never thought in a million years I could live with a guy I was attached to, let alone spend so much time with him,and not be relieved to be away from him. It's probably one of the best feelings in the world knowing you could marry someone and simultaneously marry your best friend.
It's good to know that even when a huge door is closed, one of the biggest remains left open.
With discomfort of change, comes hope. And I can say with honesty that I am excited to see what happens next.
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[30 May 2008|05:06pm] |
Have you ever felt like no matter what obstacles you face, you're going to end up losing and in the end dying? I've tackled a lot in my life, from family issues, to having my brain tumor, and now i'm at another fork in the road. it's like it never stops. Everytime this happens to me, I lose the person I love the most.
Well how should I be able to make it through without the person I need more than anyone?
I am so lost, I am so scared, and I don't know what to do.
I hate feeling like this, I hate crying, I hate being unaware of what's to come.
I want to wake up from this nightmare, please.
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[23 Apr 2008|02:10pm] |
On my 9th, I will be turning 18. There will be festivities. I don't give a fuck where you live in FLA. I have no friends in Ocala so you will drive to Ocala and see me. I'm having a party and I expect all my friends from Jax to Orlando to Tampa even down to West palm/Miami to show up. Because if you don't then I might just cut my wrists and die.
Please respond to this, thank you.
<333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333.
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[17 Apr 2008|08:30pm] |
omnomnomnom
I'm so hungry. I got all 4 wisdom teeth removed yesterday. If I could I'd go back and have them keep fucking up my perfect alignment of my teeth. my jaw hurts so bad. and my stomach is constantly screaming at me. I can't eat anything, and going from omnomnomnomning everything to not eating at all is too much of a change for my body. god damnnnit.
I've come to cope with not having any friends. Well, I have friends they just all live 34985345 miles away. None in Ocala, well atleast the ones I do have they never hang out with me... I'm starting to feel like Johns right about high school friends.
18 in 21 days, probably doing nothing.
No money, no friends, i'll be gratefull if I get taken out to dinner by my mom.
ugh. I just wish things would fall into place and I'd have a lot of money and John would be less stressed and have a nice job.
And I wish I had a big fat plate of food infront of me.
if anyone wants to love me and do something for my big 18th birthday, comment back and i'll be your bestfriend.
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[12 Apr 2008|10:17pm] |
shfgjjhd
I need to recap on the past months.
maybe later.
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| Sometimes |
[28 Feb 2008|03:28pm] |
Sometimes you keep your mouth shut for the sake of just ending a conversation, even though something is bugging you so badly. Sometimes you go off on somebody because you know they truly deserve it, but you feel like shit afterwards. Sometimes you do things you don't want to, just to make someone else satisfied. Sometimes you forget all about yourself because you are too focused on making others happy. Sometimes you just want to quit, start a new job and get out of a weird situation. Sometimes you want to crawl in bed and not speak to someone for 10 years. Sometimes you just get to a point where you can't be held responsible for some shit, and it should be understood. Sometimes you just need money, and shouldn't be ashamed to ask. Sometimes you have to take the upper hand and be a bitch, no matter who you hurt. Sometimes you say things, because its how you feel and others might say your remarks are stupid, but your feelings should never be kept inside. Sometimes you just break down and say shit you don't mean, and then have too much pride to apologize.
& Sometimes I use the word 'you' to not let people know i'm speaking of myself.
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| You know who you are. |
[19 Feb 2008|04:08pm] |
I know you don't wish me well, but through the thick and thin, and everything we've been through I still wish the best for you. We, as many people have, fell apart. You can point the blame on me, although I am not the only person at fault. I'll take it, like I have in the past from people before you. I am sorry if for some reason I hurt you in any way. That wasn't my intention, at all.
You're still the only person I can rely on 100%, I'd still call you if I needed someone, and I'd like to think you feel the same way.
I wish you the best in your future and everything that comes along your way. I know that you'll do something amazing and end up a way better person, not that you aren't already.
I hope you know that I miss you more than anything and I don't have the same connection that we had with anyone. And I don't think I ever will. I wish things could get better. But I genuinely believe I always put one foot in front of the other, before you. But this time I can't be the bigger person, and I don't think you have it in you to be. Like everything in life, you don't get any outcome if you don't put in anything thing.
Also, I don't see how you can allow words of hatred pass through your lips to others that have nothing to do with us. I don't get why you couldn't come to me, and I don't get how after 4 years of knowing me, you have nothing but bad to say.
You're like a sister to me, and you bug the shit out of me sometimes, but I love you more than all of that nonsense. I'd never say one genuine bad thing about you, and I would have never expected you to either.
I understand I hurt you, but believe me, you returned the favor way before hand, and over again.
I know we probably won't talk. And emotions won't be resolved. Just know I love you, and I care for you and wish nothing but the best for you, always.
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| Dear innerself. |
[15 Feb 2008|09:28am] |
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Just because you talk yourself into thinking its okay, it's not.
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[12 Feb 2008|12:34am] |
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shit just isnt the same.
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[09 Feb 2008|04:27pm] |
I need to pull myself together. I feel so sick. My meds are really effecting my health, i kept my food down today. thats good.
I hope i don't get sick at work. im so lightheaded and faint feeling.
:o(
talked to John today, I didn't tell him how sick i was feeling because I didnt wanna worry him while hes away.
I gotta go to work now.
<3
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[08 Feb 2008|08:54pm] |
Tonight was my first night at Ipanema. Oh my god I love it there. Some of the shit was like what? but everyone is so nice and its a really easy job, plus i get free food mmm.
Some guy came in today and he was like god damn its cold, youre nipples are even hard. you should get that taken care of. and i was like, oh my god. so i check and he starts laughing at me. and all the girls started cracking up. what a creepo. He was with his wife too!
I really miss my baby. He's in GA and probably having such a good time. I'm glad hes away from all his stressful issues. But I can't wait for him to come home so I can snuggle in his arms. <3.
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| God damn. |
[06 Feb 2008|05:08pm] |
I don't know what i'm doing with myself. I've been missing so much school. I need to graduate. fuck. I missed detention today, so pretty much i'll be getting a three day suspension. great.
I need to figure my money bullshit out.
Monthly-
Car payment- 369$
Cellphone- 100$
Insurance- 170$?< will skyrocket once i get the cts
Gas- 100$
Student loans- ?
Rent- ?
So if thats 644, im gonna guess like 1,000 a month roughly to get by.
Lets say I work 12 hours a week at the ice cream shop= thats 112 a week
and then like 24 hours at Ipanema thats roughly 264
so thats 376 a week x 4= 1,504.
ugggggh. i dont wanna think about this
Okay and if i quit sweet creams and work another job at the hospital itll be
Ipanema= 264 a week
Hospital= like 360 if i work 3 12 hour shifts.
thats 624 x 4= 2,496.
looks like im gonna try and apply at the hospital in 3 months.
holla.
i think id die without money.
C.R.E.A.M
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| uh |
[05 Feb 2008|10:59am] |
I totally got the job. Super happy about that. I work every single day this week. $$$$ say whatsup. Imma make my papa brownies tonight, delicious. Oh and clean the house, gross. I'm waiting for my pants to wash. It couldn't take any longer.
I still need to go to barnes and nobles. womp.
I have my W2's but combined its like 10 dollars, is it worth even getting that much back?
I'm buying my tickets for Lucero in St Pete whenever I have time to swing by the mall. :o) :o)
I don't know if John and I are doing anything for V-day, but it's pretty much right around the corner.
I got into entourage last night until I passed out. Oh great, another show that Heidi Werther is insanely addicted to, thanks John. Haha.
My posts have been pointless lately.
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| superbowl sunday. |
[03 Feb 2008|01:04pm] |
last night was...something else.
I feel like shit today. I feel like a idiot for not seeing what I do in different lights. eh.
I need to go to barnes and noble and get a journal. wompwomp.
i'm tired.
i need a shower.
I don't know how he feels about me right now.
I want to put PJs on and watch football.
that is all.
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[30 Jan 2008|02:05pm] |
That fight was dumb. I feel dumb. I hope I get this job. I'm so tired. I wish I didn't have work tonight. I'm gaining weight. This sucks. School was boring today. Singing a song with clint for my preformance. Show saturday, get to see a bunch of people I haven't seen in a while. Work sunday, superbowl.
uh.
yeah.
LOST tomorrow. 2 hour premiere. yesssssssssssss.
I started this blog thing on myspace, and I guess it was a big hit cause everyone did it too.
This is what people had to say about me, I guess i'm a hardass because everyone said something about how i can be mean ahhaha.
1. "Heidi! Hahaha I've been jealous of you since I first saw you in acting class. The way you held yourself impressed me. You rarely let people's words get to you, or maybe you do, but you definitely know how to make it appear that they don't. I think you're one of the most beautiful people at school. Inside and out for sure. I always want to say hi to you, but I'm way too shy, because you seem so out of my league friendswise. You sometimes give off that look of "I don't give a shit", so it always intimidates me. I know you're pretty amazing though, because I've heard some of the crazy things that you think up. I just know I'd listen to you talk and you'd say some of the funniest shit I've ever heard.
PLUS: I like your blogs. All of them. I read them, even if I don't comment. I like it when people have intelligent, important, or entertaining things to say. And you definitely provide all of those, with your blogs and random bulletins with videos. Lol.
P.S. You've got a great sense of style, and I've always been envious of your piercings (I don't know if you still have them, but them ones that you had when we talked, yeah..those.)"
2. "lol yes it did and that should tell you how much you are loved...why would we want to copy a losers blog lol? j/k but heidi you are so amazing and a wonderful girl who cracks me up without even saying a word. i had so much fun traveling with you and i am stoked to do it again! And thank you for promising to pack your own suitcase this time :) and words do not describe how happy i am to see that you are being treated like you should be by your man. I love ya to death even though you are a seminoles fan haha"
3. "Heidi...Heidi...Heidi...Im so glad we became friends. It means a lot to me that you tell me straight up how you feel. So many people sugar coat things for people when sometimes its good to have that tough love. And you def give that. Im sad i dont see you all that much but im glad that we still do talk. Im glad you moved here from Maryland. I remember in 9th grade when you changed your look from the emo sccene to more preppy and free spirited. It was a great year with you. I feel like i can tell you anything and you wont make me feel stupid! LOVE YOU!"
4. "oh heidi baby. not only are you a beautiful woman, you are such a very strong person and i admire you for that. you have had to go through many things at such a young age that no one will have to encounter in their entire lives. i wish you lived closer because you are one of the few girls i have met that i think is a true person and not full of shit, lies, or deception. we need to go swimming and rage it up as soon as possible."
5. "Heidi baby:
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| Dear feeling, |
[29 Jan 2008|09:10am] |
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please exit my life in a timely manner. I don't want you anymore. You're making me feel absolutely terrible. I can't go on feeling like this.
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| :o) |
[28 Jan 2008|05:59pm] |
I definitely have a job interview tonight at 8pm @ Ipanema. I couldn't be any happier. I need a second job so freaking bad. Today I didn't go to class, whoops. It's not that bad, the only real class I had was science, and I don't think they were done presenting projects. I have to do a writing prompt tonight, lame. I woke up around 12:45 today, it felt so good. Today has been a really good day, and I believe this whole week will be really good.
My love for Mr. Hollier seems to get more intense everyday. I love waking up to him and him being super cute to me. :o) I really hope he continues to see me in the same light, cause I never wanna stop feeling so loved and cared for.
I decided to sleep at my own house nights he has class, so he can get stuff done. This will in return help me as well.
I don't really know what to do about my job I have right now, I know Ipanema will want me to work weekends and gregs trying to take my weekends and I don't want that to ruin my chance of getting this job.
womp womp.
@ work for another 50 minutes.
Need to get an interview in with Mr. Clark and then talk to Mrs. A. <- reminder to myself.
I hope I see John tonight, I just really wanna do something with him other than sit at home. I hope he has time to see me, if not I'll probably see him for a little bit tomorrow.
Wish me luck to everything new ahead of me
<3
Oh and note to self:
Never headbutt John, ever, again.
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[26 Jan 2008|05:32pm] |
well, you say that I treat you like a book on a shelf, I don't take you out that often 'cause I know that I completed you and that's why you are here. that's the reason you stay here. how awful that must feel. you said you'd be my dream I could have you every night and if by morning I'd forgotten you... well, no big deal, that'd be all right. cause you're the re-occuring kind, you are the re-occuring kind. you never really leave my mind. are you the love of my lifetime? cause there's been times I've had my doubts. we were just kids when I first kissed you in the attic of my parents house and I wish we were there now. I took so long to figure out what this book has been about. now I write when I'm away letters that you'll never read. you said, go explore those other women, the geography of their bodies, but there's just one map you'll need. you're a boomerang, you'll see. you will return to me. you will. you? will. you? will. you? will. because if you don't then this book's all lies, if you don't then my plans would all be ruined, if you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before and I just won't have a future anymore.
Lately I just don't know how to feel. Schools going well, not even a tiny bit worried about that. I need a new job, or atleast a second job. I have no money, and I'm sick of relying on phone calls for money. I'm gonna have to start looking into apartments and a new car soon, so i'm not too thrilled about that. John and I are doing well, that doesnt worry me in the slightest. I just wish I could do more for him. Valentines day is coming up and I almost don't care. Birthday in 4 months, don't care. Graduation in 4 months, finally. College in about 7 months, god damnit. Europe again in 6 months, yesssssssssss.
Today I feel so sick, I want to crash at my house in PJ's, I want to watch dumb girl movies, I want to paint my toes, and be a girl and actually gossip. I want to drink wine spritzers and make speghetti. I wish I wasn't at work.
I'll get paid good next week though.
I worked Friday 4-c, Today 3-c, tomorrow 12-c, monday-friday 4-c. Thats roughly $232.
Pathetically, thats me getting paid a lot.
I want to do something different, something fun. I feel like my life is on repeat, fuck.
Just a few pictures from Johns 21st.
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| mmm |
[18 Jan 2008|10:25pm] |
John and I seem to be better than we ever were. and I love it. He's the most important thing to me, hands down. I look into my future and it's like the only stable thing I see. I'm not sure about my career, how financially stable i'll be, especially don't know about friends. But i'm not one to talk shit about friends via away messages or the internet in general, but I guess some of us are pretty childish.
John's birthday is tomorrow and I'm really excited. I hope he has a good day.
School starts back on tuesday, finally. I'm so ready to graduate and go on to college and then start nursing school.
My life is truly beginning at the age of 17, and I'm so ready.
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heeeiiidddiii's journal